


To What Do I Owe You

by Children_of_the_Shadows



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, M/M, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Top Sirius Black, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:21:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27127813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Children_of_the_Shadows/pseuds/Children_of_the_Shadows
Summary: There were a million things he wanted to say. I'm sorry for everything that I did to you. I wish things were different. I still have feelings for you. Why did you leave me? Why didn't you just give me a second chance. R/S
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 119





	To What Do I Owe You

**Author's Note:**

> Just another story niggling in the back of my mind that I had to write, though not as long. It's unedited, so apologies for any errors! Thank you for reading!

**To What Do I Owe You**

_ 'You owe me.' _

_ Remus stared at him, face impassive. He looked small, sitting on the bed surrounded by blankets and far too many pillows. Overnight, it seemed he had shrunken down to nothing; the blood loss contributing to his pale skin and sunken, tired eyes. He had not said a word since Sirius came in to see him and while silence was not uncharacteristic for the sandy blond, his stoic approach to Sirius certainly was.  _

_ 'You owe me,' Sirius repeated, his grey eyes challenging. 'After everything I've done for you - becoming an Animagus, being your friend, fucking you when I could have anyone I wanted in this school.'  _

_ The truth was, Sirius didn't want anyone else in school. It had always been Remus for him; ever since he discovered the addictive feel of the boy's body against his and the heady scent of his skin. However, what Sirius wanted more than anything else at that very moment was for Remus to hit him; to scream and yell and be as angry as he wanted to be. Because anger didn't last, not with Remus, but disappointment never faded. And Sirius was tired of constantly being a disappointment to everyone.  _

_ 'You owe me.' _

* * *

'Moony?' 

Remus blinked. No one had called him by that name in years. 

'It  _ is _ you, isn't it? Merlin, I haven't seen you in years!' James Potter enveloped him in a tight hug, unaware of the way Remus's arms lay tightly by his sides or the way his muscles tensed and seized. 'I feel like I'm seeing a ghost.' He held Remus at arms length, his eyes scanning and scrutinizing. 'Merlin, you've really changed. I barely recognized you.' 

Remus supposed he  _ had _ changed. His face no longer held any of the boyishness he had been known for in school. It was thin and long, peppered by light brown stubble. His hair was long and wild, more grey than brown from years of stress and neglect. There was a long scar that ran down his left eye and another that was partially visible across his neck - both near fatal, one that left his eye permanently without proper depth perception and an unusual shade of citrine. His skin too, was no longer deathly pale but tanned and patchy from years of uneven sun exposure. 

'How have you been, James?' Remus asked cordially, stepping slightly away to put some distance between them. 

James's smile had always been his winning feature; it was charming and warm as he replied, 'Brilliant, actually. I just had a son, can you believe that? With Lily Evans nonetheless. You remember her, don't you?' 

The girl that James chased behind endlessly. Of course Remus remembered her. 'Congratulations, James,' he smiled softly, feeling genuinely happy for his old friend. 'I look forward to meeting her sometime.'

'She's still recovering so she wasn't able to come today. Oh, but you might meet Peter, though not much has changed since you last saw him. He has a girl now though; very controlling. She's forced him into a diet and he's absolutely miserable about it.' James laughed jovially and patted Remus on the back. 'Lily will be so happy to see you again; years of stories about the Marauders has really worn her down. Speaking of...' If possible, his face split into an even wider smile as he spotted someone behind Remus and waved wildly. 'Oi, Padfoot!'

Remus felt his heart stop. 

He didn't dare turn around, didn't dare look behind him, even though his keen ears picked up the distinct footsteps walking towards them. His gaze fixed strictly ahead, slowly landing on Albus Dumbledore, who was watching him with intense blue eyes. 

_ Ofcourse _ . 

Dumbledore had asked him to attend for a reason, as with everything the old professor had asked him to do over the years. Remus was not a regular at Order meetings. Dumbledore preferred his identity hidden at all times and only revealed him to a select few members when required. Remus's presence here, coupled with James Potter and Sirius Black was no coincidence. As if reading his mind, Dumbledore nodded surreptitiously. 

It was all the direction Remus needed for the time being and he discreetly nodded back. Stamping down the sudden surge of unnecessary feelings and schooling his features back to neutral, he took a deep breath and turned. 

_ You owe me. _

'Hello, Sirius.' 

He was beautiful. 

'Remus?' 

_ You owe me. _

His eyes were still a stormy grey, framed by dark, thick lashes and arched, expressive eyebrows. His hair was cut short, bringing forward his high cheekbones and angular jaw. He looked exactly as he did seven years ago - like a sin waiting to be committed. 

'I barely recognised him as well!' James exclaimed to Sirius, unaware of the sudden discomfort between them. 'I heard someone mention Moony's name and had to go check for myself. I swear, he looks like a completely different person! Whatever happened to the sweet little boy who drank tea all day and snogged books?' 

_ He was weak _ , Remus thought but did not voice his feelings,  _ he was weak and stupid so I killed him bit by bit.  _

'You look well, Sirius,' Remus said softly, trying his best not to let his gaze linger too long on those grey eyes. A long time ago, they used to be his weakness. A simple look could have Remus conceding to outrageous pranks or melting into a deep kiss. 

It was difficult when Sirius was staring. 

James looked between them, forcefully breaking the awkward silence, 'Sirius has been whipped to submission as well, I'm afraid. After years of running wild and sleeping with half the population of Hogwarts, he's finally settled down with someone. You've been with David two years now, am I right?' 

Finally, Sirius looked away. 'Yeah,' he replied, shrugging. 

It hurt. 

Even after seven years, it hurt. 

_ You owe me. _

Remus was saved from having to endure all his old memories being thrown back at him by Professor Dumbledore's hand on his shoulder. His voice was kind but firm as he spoke, 'I apologise for breaking up this reunion, but I very much need to talk to you, Remus. James, Sirius, I hope you don't mind? It won't take long, I promise.' 

Remus waited till they were in a private room and the Professor had put all the required safety charms in place before speaking. 'Is James in danger?' He asked directly before Dumbledore could speak. He did not want to make small talk or be asked how he was feeling. The old professor had a way of bringing out unnecessary feelings out of him; feelings he'd rather not have to explore or feel at this very moment. Or ever. 

'His son, Harry,' Dumbledore replied. 

Remus frowned. 'I don't understand.'

'Do you recall last week when we spoke of a prophecy?' Dumbledore sat on the couch beside Remus and sighed. 'It seems young Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom have been singled out by Lord Voldemort as the children of this prophecy, the harbingers of his doom. It won't be long before Voldemort makes his move.' 

'What do you need me to do?' Remus asked without hesitation. 

'I've received word that there might be an informant on our side. Someone close to the Potters who is feeding Voldemort the information he needs. I need you to find out who it is before it's too late.' Dumbledore's eyes were intense, his mouth set in a tight line. 'Remus, I understand this is not an ideal situation for you, but your past friendship with James makes you less suspicious.'

Remus had figured as much. Like a champion chess player, Dumbledore never made any unnecessary moves, especially in the game of war. He had not informed Remus of his mission earlier because he had wanted to see how Remus would react to seeing his old friends again. It had been a test to see if Remus could be trusted with the task at hand. 

As if Remus would ever leave the fate of James Potter or his son in the hands of anyone else. As if even after all these years, Remus would not readily give up his own life for James's.

'I need you to get closer to them, find out who the Potters interact with on a regular basis and their intent. Based on what Voldemort knows, the information being shared is not surface deep. This is someone close to them.' 

Remus nodded. 'I understand. Is there anything else, Professor?'

Dumbledore shook his head. His face softened as he looked upon Remus not as another Order member, but almost a son. 'Remus, I find that it is best not to judge a man by the mistakes of his past. We have all done questionable things in our youth.' He smiled kindly. 'You will feel it lighter on your heart if you can bring yourself to perhaps not forget, but at least forgive.'

Remus stood up, taking control of the conversation and signalling its end. 'There is nothing to forgive, Professor,' he replied softly, walking out. 

Because Sirius had never asked for forgiveness in the first place. 

* * *

_ 'But it's not my birthday.' _

_ Sirius coloured. 'I know that.' He pushed the clumsily wrapped present further into Remus's hands, urging him to open it. 'But I noticed yours was worn out and thought you could use a new one.'  _

_ 'Oh,' Remus replied, as he unwrapped his present to reveal a leather bound notebook. 'It's lovely.' His hand ran over the cover in awe, a small smile playing on his lips. 'Thank you,' he whispered, turning over the front cover to reveal a small note from Sirius.  _

To Remus, 

Much Love, 

Sirius

14th February, 1974

_ Sirius should have used 'regards' instead. This was too informal; it revealed too much, especially if Remus didn't quite feel the same way for Sirius. _

_ 'If you like it, perhaps we could go for a couple of butterbeers later?' Sirius suggested, his heart pounding so loudly he could feel it in his ears and in his throat. 'Just the two of us, I mean. As in, without James or Peter, and- and no pranks, and I could buy you some chocolate later, and-' _

_ Sirius was cut short of his ramblings by a soft pair of lips against his.  _

* * *

'What do you think?' James asked as he forced a spoon full of his chilli into Sirius's mouth. 'Not terrible if I do say so myself.'

Sirius swallowed, taking a sip of water. James had recently discovered that he had a talent for cooking after the birth of his son, Harry had put his wife on bed rest. She had had a difficult birth and he still remembered how ashen James's face had gotten when the Healers had told them that she might not make it through delivery. Even now, while his friend was trying everything to make life comfortable for his wife, Sirius could see James sometimes struggling. He loved her dearly and it showed. 

'I wish you hadn't asked me to come,' Sirius said, going back to chopping vegetables for the salad. 

'You can't avoid him forever, Sirius,' James replied softly. 'He'll be at all our Order meetings and if I'm being honest, I want him back in our lives. Don't you miss him?' Hazel eyes looked at him, questioning, as if reading into his soul. 

Sirius looked away. He had missed Remus every single second of his life since Fifth Year, but had conceded to the fact that it was something he was going to have to live with. 'He's not the same Remus from school, you know that.'

'Then I want to get to know  _ this _ Remus,' James argued. 'I want to know who he is now, how he's been all these years and if I'm being honest, I want to know why he left us.'

Sirius felt his heart drop to his stomach at James's confession. 'He didn't leave us. He left school.'

'He left us, Sirius.'

Sirius looked beyond James's shoulder to the window where he could see the sun setting. Perhaps it was time. It was time to tell James the truth; Sirius had hidden it long enough. 'If anyone is to blame, it's me. Please don't cause him any more grief than necessary, James. I've done enough of that already.' At James's questioning glance, he sighed heavily. 'I was  _ scared _ . I was scared and stupid and arrogant; and I thought Snape deserved a fate even worse than what I gave him. For a long time, I used that as justification for what I did. I told myself I was right. And I told Remus he owed me.'

'You,' James paused, blinking as if unable to process information. 'Why would you do that? You told me you-'

'I lied,' Sirius cut him off frankly. 'I never apologised, not once.'

James's mouth opened and closed like a fish. 'But I left him  _ alone _ . After everything, after the whole incident, when he started to distance himself, I let him be because I thought he needed the space and time. I thought he just wasn't ready to forgive you yet; that he'd come around!' Sirius said nothing and that only aggravated James further. 'You isolated him from us!'

Sirius already knew all of this. Had known for years now and blamed himself constantly. James reiterating everything he had done only added fuel to the shame Sirius had felt for a long time. 'I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking about his feelings or that he might decide not to return to school the next year. I thought he'd come back to us.' 

James put a hand over his eyes and for a while, they stood there in silence. 'He must think I'm such a twat. That I abandoned him when he needed me and now I've come along on my high horse, pretending nothing's happened.' He turned towards Sirius, looking disappointed and ashamed. 'Maybe you should leave, Sirius. You were right, I shouldn't have asked you to come. You-'

The doorbell rang, cutting short their conversation. It was too late for Sirius to leave even if he wanted to. And the truth was even though Sirius wished James hadn't invited him to their reunion, he could not leave without seeing Remus, without hearing his voice, or just being near him. He could not leave knowing Remus was here, so within his reach. However, James never gave Sirius a chance to say hello, dragging the sandy blonde into the study for a private conversation. When they emerged, they were both laughing at some shared joke and James's attitude towards Sirius was considerably less frosty. 

'Moony brought dessert!' James exclaimed, holding up a supermarket cake and looking overly pleased over something so minor. 'Why don't you come on over upstairs, Remus? It's still quite difficult for Lily to make the trip down so if it's okay with you, we'll be eating dinner in the bedroom.' When Remus nodded, James beamed. 'Sirius, can I ask you to bring everything over?'

James didn't want to leave Remus alone with Sirius; and while Sirius understood the over protective gesture, it stung more than a little. When he finally made it upstairs with the food, he found Remus and Lily locked in a tight embrace. She was crying, which struck Sirius as odd given that Remus and her had never been terribly close to start with. They had only been Prefects together for a year and seldom met outside of class. 

'You look so different!' Lily exclaimed, pulling away and wiping her eyes. 'You've grown into quite a silver fox.' She ran a hand through his greying hair, laughing when he muttered a disgruntled,  _ wolf not fox _ . 

Remus  _ did _ look different. It was the first thing that had hit Sirius the night of their Order meeting - how different Remus looked. While he had cut his hair short and shaved his beard for this dinner, the changes in his appearance were marked. He was no longer the gangly young boy, with long awkward limbs. His thin frame had filled out better with lean muscle and he walked with the purpose and confidence of a man who was sure of himself. His face was more angular, mature and riddled with battle scars that made him look somehow dangerous despite the gentleness of his expression. The lighter eye that should have looked frightening and his crooked nose only added to the charm of his looks. He looked like a seasoned warrior and it was an odd thing to think, given they were the same age. 

'He's beautiful, James,' Remus spoke softly as James carried a fussy baby over in his arms. 'Can I?' He waited to be granted permission before extending his arms and gently taking baby Harry into his arms. The crying and wriggling stopped within minutes as Harry slowly fell back into a peaceful sleep. 'It's the warmth,' Remus explained when both Potters looked at him in awe. Understandable given that Harry had been quite difficult from the moment he was born. 'Not many people know this but werewolves make excellent sitters.'

Sirius could attest to that. He had spent many nights lulled into a peaceful sleep by the warmth of Remus's naked body. 

'Why don't you put him down, Moony, and we can start with dinner. Wormtail, the bastard, won't be coming today. Apparently he and his girlfriend are going to a Weight Watchers meeting.'

'Does he go to these meetings often?' Remus asked, his voice casual but his expression thoughtful as he accepted a player full of food from James. 'He seemed to be in one the other day as well?'

Sirius snorted. 'Only since he started dating Priscilla. She's always dragging him off to something or the other, a diet meeting, a stuffy opera, a seminar about fancy shoes; though he's never really missed an Order meeting before this. He usually puts his foot down there.' 

Remus hummed. 'Lestrange?'

Sirius blinked, taken aback. Since when was Remus so familiar with pureblood family trees? 'Twice removed,' Sirius replied slowly. 

Lily cleared her throat. 'You're hardly the one to speak, Sirius,' she teased, pointing her fork towards him, 'David never comes to any of our gatherings.'

It was stupid, but Sirius had completely forgotten about David. 

'That's because he thinks I'm a bad influence on Padfoot,' James said, his tone sour. 'Apparently I turn him into a loud, immature, and obnoxious brat. Prick.'

'James doesn't like him, can you tell?' Lily laughed. 'I think he's a little bit jealous that David seems to like Peter just fine and that they hang out on the regular without him.' She giggled a little more as James's face only got more grumpy. 'So, Remus, you've caught up on all our lives. What have you been upto?'

Remus shrugged. 'Nothing exciting. I still live with my parents and I work the occasional muggle job. No significant partners.'

'The occasional muggle job? Is that where you got that from?' Sirius asked snarkily, pointing at Remus's left eye.

Both Lily and James shot him murderous looks but Remus seemed unfazed. 'That one's my own doing, I'm afraid. I was bound to lose my stunning looks eventually.' 

Sirius went along with the laughter but he was very much aware of how easily the conversation flowed. There was the occasional awkwardness between them as they reset their dynamics, but everything felt too easy. Remus spoke with Sirius the same way he did with James; as if the history between them did not exist. He did not seem angry or vindictive. If anything, it seemed as though Sirius was the only one still hanging on to the past. Remus had clearly moved on.

When it was time to leave, Sirius had every intention to leave things be. The dinner had gone smoothly, their friendship seemed to be on the way of restoration, and Remus demeanour towards him seemed amicable. Yet, he felt the need to run after him at the very last minute, a small fear niggling at the back of his mind that he was never going to see the other man again. 

'Remus!' 

There were a million things he wanted to say.  _ I'm sorry for everything that I did to you. I wish things were different. I still have feelings for you. Why did you leave me? Why didn't you just give me a second chance. _

Instead, he found all rational thought fly out of his head the minute Remus turned to look at him. He only allowed himself a moment to catch his breath before he leaned in and pressed his lips against Remus's. It was a stupid thing to do, he knew that, but when Remus offered no resistance, he felt himself push closer until the kiss between them was no longer chaste and was getting progressively heated. 

However, the rush of adrenaline he was feeling was short lived as they parted. Sirius felt his heart sink as the moisture in Remus's eyes glittered in the darkness of the night. 

Sirius inhaled sharply. 'Remus-'

Before his tears could fall, Remus disapparated. 

* * *

Remus did not make it a habit to often rent hotel rooms. It wasn't for the lack of money; Dumbledore gave him enough allowance for each mission to cover essential expenses and more. However, years of being on the move meant that Remus had grown accustomed to sleeping in the wilderness and in unfavourable conditions. He was never in the city for more than a day and that meant he had no requirement for a permanent home or room. Some days, he took a quick nap in the park under the sun. Some days, he slept on the sofa of wherever Order meetings were going to be held. 

However, tonight, he did not book the hotel room to sleep but to scrub away the renewed feelings of pain and anger that was eating away at him. The heat from the shower was set to near unbearable, scalding his skin red everywhere water hit. Yet, no matter how long he stood there, rubbing his skin raw, the tears would not stop coming. 

'I can't do this,' he told himself, wiping his face angrily. 'I can't do this.'

He had thought he had gone past this; that he had successfully buried his feelings for Sirius to the point that they no longer existed. But from the moment he had entered the Potter residence, Sirius had made things difficult for him. First with James's confession and apology in the study, which had left Remus wondering why Sirius had hated him so much that he had felt the need to take away the crutch of all his friendships away from him. James had even offered to have Sirius sent away, but agreeing to that would have meant compromising the entire mission. 

A mission that Remus didn't think he could complete anymore. Over the years, he had adopted many personas to blend in but he had never had to pretend to be himself. No, his  _ old  _ self - the version of him that he despised the most. His  _ weak  _ self.

Who did Sirius see, he wondered, when Remus melted into his kiss so easily? Who did James and Lily see when Remus laughed and joked with them about the normal, average lives they led? Did they see the old Remus? Did they see their old friend? Or like Remus, did they see  _ no one _ . 

Then he remembered sleepy green eyes and how they had looked up at him with all the trust in the world. They had held no expectation of him, only a deep innate trust that Remus would keep him safe. 

Remus could not betray that trust.

* * *

Remus was cautious, Sirius noted. Not wary, just cautious. He drank nothing stronger than butterbeer and handled his own drinks. 

'So who else have you kept in touch with from school?'

He sat straight, his arms relaxed but the elbow of his wand hand suspended outside the edge of the table to allow him quick access to his wand.

'Oh, a lot of the Order now that I think about it. The Longbottoms, Weasleys, Fenwick, McKinnon though she isn't too much of a regular. She likes to keep to herself a lot. I gather she feels a bit left out since we all bring our partners to these gatherings.'

Remus wore muggle clothes that fit well on his slender frame, nothing that could get caught or hinder his movements. He was alert and very aware of his surroundings, though he hid it well. Only the subtleties of Remus's movements gave him away; the way he responded first to a waiter approaching, his ears and nose twitching like a wolf as different sounds and smells entered and left, and the way he always sat on the outside of the booth no matter how many times they stood up to refill their drinks or food. 

Sirius only noticed because he was looking. Because when Remus was around him, he could focus on nothing else. 

'So how did you meet Priscilla, Peter?'

Remus also inquired about everybody's lives, but said very little of his own. 

'Ah-I-I think at a restaurant? It's been so long, it's hard to remember the details.'

In fact, Sirius was confident that the little Remus  _ had _ shared with them were all lies. 

'And you, Sirius? How did you meet David?'

'At the library.' Sirius was aware of everybody's disbelieving stares. He had never told anyone, not even James how he'd met David. 'I was still doing my internship under Moody and needed some reading material,' he defended. 'He was sitting beside the fire, jumpers and all, reading the Hounds of Baskerville.'

'Hey, that used to be Moony's favourite book!' Peter said, obtuse as ever and completely unaware as to how quiet their table had gotten. 'He'd always sit in front of the common room fire and read it for hours. We could never get him to look up!'

Both James and Remus were staring at him with indiscernible expressions. Sirius was simply glad that Peter hadn't yet mentioned how similar David and Remus looked; the same brown hair, long nose and thin face. He was tall and gangly, and loved to read and teach. However, David had only a fraction of the charm Remus did and none of his penchant for mischief. He did not have Remus's stunning amber eyes or gravelly voice, but at the time, Sirius had mistaken him for Remus. His heart had soared at the thought of finally finding Remus and then he'd crashed hard when he had realised it wasn't Remus. He had crashed and fallen and in a moment of desperation and hurt, he had settled for a cheap substitute for the original. 

'Excuse me. I need to go to the loo,' Sirius practically ran to the bathroom in an attempt to avoid any more prying questions and potential word vomit. 

He should have lied, he realised as he closed the bathroom door behind him and breathed heavily. He should have made up a ridiculous story that fit more with the image he was trying to portray. Sirius splashed cold water on his face, rubbing his eyes rougher than necessary to bring himself back to reality. 

When he looked back up, he nearly screamed in fright as Remus's reflection stared back at him in the mirror. He was given no time to think as he suddenly found himself being pushed against a stall door, lips pressed fiercely against his. A hand buried in his dark hair and Sirius found himself moaning as it pulled him closer as their tongues warred against each other. Remus's other hand slid over his hips, brushing against the front of his trousers before sliding inside. 

_ 'Remus,'  _ Sirius whispered breathlessly, his own hands roaming over the other man's body, exploring.  _ 'Please _ ,' he cried out, as teeth and tongue attacked his neck, his shoulders, his chest. ' _ Please.'  _ Involuntary moans were ripped out of him as Remus's hands unbuckled his trousers and let them fall to the floor. He gasped, eyes widening and then falling shut as the sandy blond dropped to his knees in front of him. 

It was over as quickly as it had started, the silence permeated only by Sirius's breathy moans and the wet sounds of Remus's mouth on his cock, bringing him to completion. By the time Sirius had come down from the high of his orgasm, the soft brown hair underneath his loosening fingers had slipped away and the cold air of an empty bathroom hit his naked skin like sharp pin pricks.

Remus had left.

* * *

_ 'Stop staring at me.' _

_ Remus blushed. 'Sorry.' His amber eyes looked up at Sirius shyly before shifting back down again. 'It's just that, you're really pretty.' _

_ It was Sirius's turn to blush. 'Are you sure it's not because you're remembering my stellar performance last night?' He brought his face closer to Remus's until their noses were touching. 'Maybe you're not staring at my pretty face but much lower.'  _

_ His grin was so cocky, Remus couldn't help but pull him into a kiss. They laughed as they tumbled backwards, the momentum causing them to roll downhill. Their teeth clicked together and Remus was sure there would be terrible grass stains on his robes later, but right now, all he wanted to do was kiss Sirius. And he did, though perhaps not as much as last night and definitely not in all the places he'd kissed last night. _

_ 'I'm planning to tell mum and dad over the holidays,' Remus admitted, pillowing his head on Sirius's chest as he lay down beside the boy. 'Maybe tell them I like boys first and then tell them which boy I like the most.' He smiled and winked up at Sirius.  _

_ 'Will they accept it so easily?' Sirius asked, frowning. 'You don't seem very bothered.' _

_ Remus knew Sirius's parents weren't the most liberal. If anything, judging by Sirius's accounts of them, they were not only puritan, but also nationalists. There was very little to like about them and often, thinking about them made Remus's blood boil especially when Sirius spoke about their near abusive methods of punishment.  _

_ 'I'm not bothered,' Remus replied, closing his eyes in contentment when Sirius began to play with his hair. 'I already know that they're going to love you and ask to meet you.'  _

* * *

Sirius wiped his sweaty palms on either side of his trousers nervously before knocking the door. He replayed everything he was going to say to Remus as he waited for the door to open. He had rehearsed it a million times last night in his head; he was going to ask what that night at the pub meant and if Remus still had feelings for him. Then he was going to convince the man that they would work this time; that Sirius had grown and matured over the years. 

'Hello?' Hope Lupin answered the door, her expression one of confusion as she looked Sirius up and down. She obviously did not recognise him. 

'Mrs. Lupin, I don't know if you remember me?' Sirius started nervously with a smile. 'I'm a friend of your son's from school - Sirius Black. We met a handful of times at the station when you came to pick him up?' 

If Sirius was expecting her to suddenly figure out who he was, he was sorely disappointed. 'I'm sorry, honey, you must have the wrong house.'

Sirius frowned. 'This is the house of Lyall and Hope Lupin, isn't it?' Then it occurred to him - Remus shared everything with his parents. He must have told them about what Sirius had done in school; about their relationship and the way Sirius had betrayed his trust and their friendship. 'I'm not here to cause trouble, I promise. I know you're probably furious at me, but if you could just call him outside. Look, I just want to talk to him, please.'

'Sirius, is it?' Mrs. Lupin asked, her expression kind and not at all like someone whose son had been wronged. 'I wish I could help you, I really do, but you've got the wrong house.' She smiled sadly. 'We don't have a son or any children for that matter. It's always just been my husband and I.'

Sirius blinked. 'So,' she wasn't lying; Sirius could tell just by the way she looked at him. 'You don't-' But she was definitely Remus's mother. Even if Sirius had not recognised her, the resemblances in their features were unmistakable. 'You don't have a son named Remus Lupin?'

Her eyes glazed over, going from a soft amber to a dulled hazel. She'd been charmed to have her memories altered. 

'Remus, you said his name was?' She questioned softly. 'I feel like I've heard of him before, like I might know him. Like he-' Tears welled up in her eyes and she put a hand over her mouth as words seemed to fail her. 

'You were right,' Sirius answered quickly, not wanting to cause her any more pain. He didn't quite understand how memory charms worked but fighting against it was definitely not going to end well for her mind. Especially for a muggle who had no way to reverse it. 'I got the wrong house. I'm sorry for the trouble.'

'No, no trouble,' Hope Lupin replied. She did not close the door, even as he left, watching him silently. 'Wait,' she cried, running after him. 'Please, if you find him, will you let me know? I-' She was crying again. 'It's rare to find someone with the Lupin surname. I would really like to meet him.' She wiped her eyes, laughing weakly and clearly feeling awkward under Sirius's sympathetic gaze. 'I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm getting so emotional.'

Sirius pulled her into a hug and she melted into it, holding on to him as if he were her own son. 'You take care, Mrs. Lupin.'

* * *

'I don't understand. Then why did you-'

Sirius sighed, leaning his head back on the couch. 'I told you, the prank was never about Remus. Snape was always snooping around, following us everywhere we went, and trying to get us suspended. He would make these big claims that he'd find out what we were doing and get us suspended. If he found me alone, he'd claim he knew I was gay and that he'd tell my parents.' Feelings of anger and resentment towards Snape were starting to resurface and he stamped them down, knowing nothing good ever came out of them. 'I just thought it was a good way to teach him a lesson. I didn't think of the consequences. I wasn't looking to kill him and I definitely wasn't trying to jeopardize my relationship with Remus. I just didn't  _ think _ .' 

James pushed his glasses over his nose, hazel eyes soft and understanding. 'Why didn't you ever tell me about you and Remus?'

'It was all so new.' James hadn't even known Sirius was gay until Seventh Year, when he'd walked in on him snogging another boy. 'We had just started dating and he was my first real relationship.' Remus had felt special, something he had wanted to keep to himself, especially in a friendship dynamic where the four of them shared absolutely everything. 'He is probably still my only meaningful relationship.'

'David?'

Sirius laughed bitterly. 'I don't love him, Prongs.' He covered his face with his hands and breathed out. 'He's stable and he likes me, and with him there, I don't feel so fucking alone. But I don't love him.'

Silence fell between them, punctuated only by baby Harry breaking into a cry. Lily's cooing followed soon after. 

'So what now?' James asked finally. 'Are you going to break up with David?' 

Sirius shook his head. 

'But you and Remus…' James was referring to Sirius's admission to the kiss and whatever it was that had happened the other night in the pub toilets. 

'It won't happen again,' Sirius told James firmly. 'This isn't  _ my _ Remus, James.'

'That doesn't mean he's not still Remus. We've all changed since school,' James argued and Sirius wondered if his friend would be saying the same thing if he knew about the memory charms Remus had placed on his own parents. 'Why don't you get to know this Remus for who he is now? Maybe you'll find that your feelings haven't changed.'

'You know, for a long time after Remus left, I wondered what I would do if he ever came back,' Sirius admitted. 'I'd apologise. I'd explain myself, tell him I loved him. I'd grovel and beg for him to take me back, let him hit me, do an Unforgivable on me,  _ anything _ . So far, I've done none of that.'

And that itself was telling. Everytime he tried reaching out to Remus, something got in the way. There was always a hesitation; a lie, a divide holding him back; a something that stewed in the bottom of his gut and fed into his apprehension about Remus. They were just not meant to be. 

'But you love him.'

'It won't happen again,' Sirius told himself softly. 

* * *

Sirius buried his face into Remus's neck, hot breath fanning sandy blond hair as he pushed inside slowly. He established a slow rhythm, in and out, the beads of sweat running down their naked bodies pooling between them. Remus's legs were wrapped around Sirius's waist, his body arched against the wall, and his arms shaking as they tried to maintain balance. Sirius was taking it slow, matching the rocking of their bodies to the hand on Remus's cock. It was thick and heavy with need; different to the touch yet felt familiar as Remus responded to Sirius the same way as he always had. 

When he came, he held on to Sirius tightly and muffled his moans into dark hair. And for a while, he stayed that way, trying to catch his breath and allowing Sirius that small moment of bliss with him before they would have to go back to reality. 

The reality that as they came down from their orgasms, the sound of voices on the other side of the door only got louder. All the Order members were starting to come in and they would have to emerge from this room and pretend as though nothing had happened. That Sirius had not, once again, submitted to his weakness for Remus and had sex with him. 

'I visited your parents recently,' Sirius admitted, knowing he was being cruel and confrontational but wanting Remus to at least  _ look  _ at him. He did not want to be treated like some casual fuck that Remus felt ashamed of or was trying to avoid. 

Remus, who had been pulling on his trousers, stilled and for the first time since they'd met, Sirius saw panic in his eyes. 

'Oddly enough, they seemed to have completely forgotten that they even have a son.' Sirius sat up and crossed his legs in front of him. He didn't bother with dressing; they would have to come out separately anyway. He doubted Remus wanted to be seen with him. 'A son whom they'd loved and given everything up for.' 

Remus's hands were shaking, betraying the air of nonchalance he was trying so hard to maintain. 'What did you tell them?'

'Why did you wipe their memories, Remus?'

'What did you tell them?' Remus asked again, this time looking up at him with eyes an intense shade of amber. His body was stiff, as if just holding back anger. 

'Forgetting the people who care for you must come very easy to you, Remus, if you don't realise how painful it is for a mother to be made to forget her own son.' 

Remus pounced, pushing Sirius into the bed and holding him down by the shoulders. 'What,' he growled, teeth bared like a wild animal, 'did you tell them?' 

'I should have told them the truth!' Sirius spat and it was the wrong thing to say as Remus's grip on his shoulders tightened painfully. 

'You had no right to go to my house!' Remus's face came close to his and Sirius could see the darkening of his pupils and the flush of anger creeping up his bare neck. 'You are meddling in affairs far beyond the realm of your understanding!' Sirius could see the muscles in his shoulders and arms growing taut, rippling underneath smooth skin as if rearing for a fight. 'This is bigger than whatever petty resentment you have against me.'

Sirius breathed heavily, his heart pumping wild patterns into his chest.  _ Resentment _ ? 'Remus,' he said softly, hands coming up to the other's shoulders before sliding down to his elbows. 'I was just trying to find you, so that I could talk to you.'

The fire in Remus's eyes slowly burnt down to resignation as he let his head fall into Sirius's chest. 'Please don't hurt them, Sirius. They're all I have left in this world.'

It hurt. It hurt that Remus thought Sirius would ever hurt his parents. 'Tell me why you lied,' he said quietly, swallowing whatever sadness he was feeling at that moment. It was his own fault, he realised as he gave himself pause. He had hurt Remus, never apologised, never sought the other man out, and chased him out of school. He had brought this upon himself. 'Tell me why you lied to us about who you are.'

The silence between them stretched long and painful. Remus's body was slumped against his as if having given up entirely. His forehead was still resting on Sirius's chest, face hidden behind his hair, when he raised an arm and muttered a soft spell to drop the Glamour. Little by little, his skin revealed itself, starting from the very tops of his shoulders and working its way down to his wrists, his back and around his waist. It was not only the myriad of scars that shocked him, but the tattoos that covered nearly every inch of his upper body. They were individual tattoos; some faded, some fresh but none of them connected to the other. Symbols, letters, pictures; each artwork was distinct in style and each unfamiliar, like a cipher waiting to be decoded. 

'Every werewolf tribe has a distinct tattoo that identifies their peoples,' Remus explained when Sirius ran his hands down his back, tracing each tattoo clumsily. 'It represents their values and their history, but also signifies loyalty.'

'And are you loyal to all these tribes?'

Remus shook his head, finally looking up. His eyes were glassy but his face determined. 'I am loyal to Dumbledore.' He pulled himself up and off of Sirius. 

'Do you even live here anymore?' Sirius asked, picking up his clothes off the floor and starting to pull them on.

'No.'

Sirius exhaled sharply. It wasn't that he hadn't suspected it already, but having Remus confirm everything was another matter entirely. 'How long have you been doing these missions for Dumbledore?'

'Seven years,' Remus replied, reinforcing the glamour charm on his body before pulling on his shirt. 

'So since you left school?' Sirius asked incredulously. 'That's absurd! You were sixteen then, just a child!'

'He gave me purpose.'

'He took you out of school!' Sirius yelled, feeling his anger rise over how unfazed Remus seemed. He grabbed the other man by the elbow, resisting the urge to shake him. 'He robbed you out of the education you deserved and sent you headfirst into a situation he knew was dangerous! He made you erase your parents memories!'

'I asked for that, so I could protect them,' Remus defended. 'I had to make sure I had nothing to lose.'

'How about your life?!'

Remus laughed bitterly, roughly pulling himself away from Sirius. 'My  _ life _ ? Since when have you cared about my life, Sirius?' 

Hurtful. When had Remus become so cruel? When did he start thinking so little of Sirius? The pain of his callous words hurt like acid in his veins.

'I'm sorry,' Remus apologised quietly. 'I shouldn't have said that.' He touched Sirius's cheek, a thumb running soft circles as if in repentance. 'Please don't look at me like that.' Shaking with trepidation, he pressed a kiss to Sirius's forehead. 'Forgive me, please.' He let his hand fall and looked away. 

'Remus,' Sirius called as the other man turned to leave. 'Why do you think I-' his throat closed up and he had to swallow a few times before he could speak again. 'Why would I hate you?'

Remus smiled sadly, hand resting on the doorknob. 'I asked myself that every day for the last seven years.'

* * *

'Where are you going now, Ms. Priscilla?' Remus asked quietly from his perch on top of the oak tree. He pulled out his wand, fixing her magical signature so he could track her later when she'd moved farther away. He'd been tracking her for days now, just as he had with everyone associated with the Potters - establishing activity schedules and marking any suspicious activities. 

He climbed down the tree with practiced ease, taking out his tracing powder and blowing small quantities of it as he walked the same path as Priscilla. He kept to the shadows, a simple cloaking charm keeping him camouflaged. Even his breathing was purposefully slowed down, his feet light as he walked.

Peter's girlfriend had just come out of the Longbottom manor; not unusual. She was a good friend of the family and she also worked as an early education specialist for wealthy families and Purebloods. She was an amicable woman; the handful of times they had met, she had been friendly and liberal which was uncharacteristic of a Lestrange. What was odd about her was her relationship with Peter. They had no chemistry between them whatsoever. Even when they sat next to each other, they seemed stiff and awkward. Peter never knew the food she liked to order or the drinks she preferred; sometimes he couldn't even tell where she'd been all day. Remus knew his friend had always been obtuse when it came to women and romance, but to not remember how he'd met the woman he claimed to be enamored with seemed strange.

'Speaking of,' Remus touched the final traces of Priscilla's magic as they stopped in front of a housing complex and joined with Peter's magical signature. 'Did you come to pick up your boyfriend, then?' He asked, looking up. 

Five stories high, in one of the most extravagant wizarding communities outside the city - this was where David lived. Sirius always did have expensive taste. Remus had been avoiding coming here for a while now, even though Peter often visited here. In fact, Peter's visits to David were far more frequent than to the Potters. That alone should have raised red flags and in any other circumstance, Remus would have done his due diligence and trailed both Peter and David simultaneously. But watching David meant also watching Sirius  _ with  _ David, and he hadn't quite mustered up the courage to do that yet. 

A black motorcycle was parked in the front and Remus stared at it for an unreasonably long time. 

He was a tracker. That was his speciality. He did not hide in the shadows for hours, waiting for something to happen. He traced back events that had already occurred and made mostly accurate deductions; his unique set of skills and abilities were suited to that. It made him discrete and untraceable. 

Against his better judgement, he apparated to the roof. Concealment charms in place, he levitated himself to the fifth floor, disabling the security wards as he descended softly on to the balcony. 

They looked good together, Remus realised as he peeked through the window. They looked like they belonged together, sat in front of the fire with their arms around each other as they spoke. There was a gentle smile on Sirius's lips and his grey eyes were kind and attentive. He looked  _ happy.  _

Remus pressed his palm against the glass, caressing Sirius's form longingly. It was wrong of him to want Sirius this way, to jeopardize another man's happiness for his own selfish desires. Yet, everytime he was faced with Sirius, Remus found himself not caring, simply wanting the dark haired man more and more, like an addict who didn't know how to quit. It didn't matter if it was just sex, if Sirius didn't care for him, if he was being used - Remus would spread his legs as far as Sirius wanted them. 

In a few weeks, it would all end anyway. Remus would complete his mission here and be sent away by Dumbledore. His and Sirius's paths would perhaps never cross again and Remus would go back to living in obscurity, as no one. 

'I love you,' he admitted aloud for the first time in seven years. 'I still love you.' 

He looked away, climbing on to the balcony rails and taking in the breathtaking view of the setting sun. The skies were a swirl of pink and orange, casting an ethereal glow over the entire neighbourhood. And there, near centre from where he was perched, was the stellar view of the Potter residence. 

* * *

_ 'I won't be coming back.' _

_ Dumbledore took the seat in front of Remus's, his blue eyes kind. 'Remus, please take the time to reconsider. I understand this has not been an easy year for you, but your decision appears very rushed.' _

_ 'It's not,' Remus replied firmly. He had had plenty of time to think about it. Now that he no longer had his friends as distractions, the world seemed crystal clear to him. 'I am not ungrateful, Professor, believe me. You fought to give me this opportunity and I thank you for it from the bottom of my heart. But I don't belong here.' _

_ 'Everyone belongs in Hogwarts, Remus,' Dumbledore interjected gently. 'This school will always have its doors open for you.' _

_ 'This school maybe, but not its people,' Just as the words fell out of his mouth, so did the tears and he wrapped his arms around himself. 'An education will not change the rules in the Ministry, nor will it change how people view me. And I'm tired, Professor.' That was not true; Remus was more broken than tired.  _

_ 'Remus, my boy, you cannot give up.' _

_ Remus shook his head, wiping his eyes and nose with the back of his hand. 'I am tired of constantly having to fight to be someone. Someone who lives up to their parents' dreams. Someone who works hard and excels in everything so they can succeed. Someone whom everyone will like even though it is near impossible. Someone who is weak and easily taken advantage of. I would rather just be no one than whatever this is.' _

_ Remus had thought he had been someone special to Sirius, someone loved and cared for, someone indispensable. For a while, Sirius had truly made him feel that way and he had floated higher than he'd ever had before. Just for a while and then Sirius had removed him from his life with such ease, it was as if Remus had never existed in the first place. As though he truly were no one.  _

_ 'The advantage of being no one, Remus, is that you can be anyone,' Dumbledore said quietly, as if reading his thoughts. 'If you have made your decision, then I cannot stop you. But perhaps I can offer you an alternative.' He stroked his beard, blue eyes contemplative as if he were still considering whatever he wanted to reveal. 'Would you be open to helping me, my boy?' When Remus nodded, he leaned closer, almost conspiratorial. 'Tell me, what do you know of the Order of Phoenix.' _

* * *

'I came as soon as I got your owl,' Sirius said breathlessly as James closed the door behind him. 'Is everything okay? What is this about?'

'Remus,' James replied in a sombre tone. 

Sirius felt his heart stop. 'Is he-' he swallowed, remembering the tattoos inked into Remus's skin. 'Is he hurt?' 

'No. He's okay.' James guided him into the living room where Lily was already sitting, a sleeping baby cradled in her arms. 'I wanted you to hear this from us, from Lily.' He nodded at his wife, silently asking her to speak next. 

Lily breathed deeply. 'Remus left school because of Severus Snape.'

Sirius felt the beginnings of anger churning in his stomach. 'Is this a joke?'

'No, listen to her Sirius!' James protested, pushing him to sit back down on the sofa. 'Remus leaving wasn't about the prank, not entirely.'

'Frank and I were on Prefect rounds together the night we found them,' Lily started again, glancing at James unsurely. 'Remus was fighting back but he was outnumbered - there were four of them and they'd snapped his wand. I don't think they'd gotten very far but Sirius,' Her green eyes were sad when they met grey, 'They were  _ touching _ him.'

Sirius felt like he couldn't breathe. 'I don't understand,' he said, disbelieving. 

'Apparently, Sever-Snape had some wild notion that Remus had conspired with you to murder him and he had wanted revenge. I didn't know about the Prank back then so I didn't connect the dots. He'd made some kind of promise with Dumbledore not to tell the school about Remus being a werewolf so he chose the next best option.' Lily kept looking back at James as if needing his encouragement to continue. 'He let a few choice Slytherins know Remus was gay and goaded them into attacking him.'

Sirius felt like he was hearing everything from underwater, as if none of it was real. 

'Remus begged us not to tell anyone. I agreed; Frank didn't. He went straight to Dumbledore but nothing came out of it.' She reached out to Sirius, placing a hand on top of his. 'Remus didn't want to file an official complaint because it would bring unwanted attention to you. And at the time, your parents…'

'Stop, please,' Sirius requested, covering his eyes with his hand. 'Why are you only telling me this now?'

'It wasn't my secret to tell,' Lily explained softly and Sirius finally understood why she had cried when she had first met with Remus. 'And I hadn't known about the Prank or the relationship between you two until last night when James mentioned it. I'm sorry, Sirius.'

'Padfoot,' James said quietly and Sirius could feel him moving closer next to him. 'This isn't your fault.' 

'Ofcourse it's my fucking fault!' Sirius yelled, his eyes watery. 'If I hadn't been an arrogant prick, Snape would have never found out and Remus would have been safe with us,  _ with me.  _ I have let him down every fucking step of the way.' 

'Sirius, you need to talk to him.'

Sirius swiped at his eyes roughly, feeling furious at himself. 'And say what exactly? I'm sorry for ruining your life? You deserve to hate me, you have every right to?' 

'Sirius, if anything Remus's actions prove that he never hated you,' Lily insisted. 'He was-is probably just hurting. James told me the two of you are-' she didn't complete the sentence as she noticed Sirius's discomfort. 'I'm not here to judge.' She put up her hands, palms up. 'Speak to him, Sirius, be honest with everything and you'll find that the two of you might not be so different.'

'He  _ is  _ different but you were right, Prongs.' His fingers clenched and unclenched. 'Even though he's changed, even though he's nothing like my Remus from school, I still love him. If anything, I love the man he has become even more than the boy he was.'

James and Lily exchanged looks between each other, passing on a secret message. 'We asked Remus to babysit Harry tonight. Lily's mother isn't well and we were planning on a short visit. Maybe you could drop by and speak to him?'

Sirius hesitated. 

'Just talking.' James said sternly, though a small smile played on his lips in an attempt to lighten the mood. 'You are not to abandon my son for a romp in the bedroom or any other exposed surface.' 

Sirius laughed and nodded. 

But just like always, something always got in the way and this time was no exception. When Sirius apparated into Godric's Hollow in the evening, he had barely made it past the first row of houses when he saw Remus rushing out of the Potter residence with Harry in his arms. He looked panic stricken, a baby bag hanging off of his shoulder as he looked around his surroundings wildly. One hand held a crying Harry Potter close to his chest while the other gripped his wand tightly, defensively. 

'Remus, what's going on?'

Sirius's presence seemed to only cause Remus more panic, as he broke into a run. Sirius had barely comprehended Remus suddenly pulling him into an embrace before he was being apparated in quick succession. They never stayed in one place for long, allowing Sirius only seconds to adjust before they were apparated elsewhere. Remus changed his magical signature each time, pulling, Sirius assumed, from the wolf's own brand of magic. The other man was creating diversions, trying to scatter their magic so that they were untraceable. But why?

By the time, they finally stopped, Sirius was feeling sick and dizzy while Harry was bawling from discomfort. Remus was the only one unfazed as he grabbed Sirius's hand and pulled him inside a shabby looking cottage. He pushed a glass of water into Sirius's hands and a sippy cup into Harry's mouth. 

'The Evans's were attacked by Death Eaters,' Remus said once Sirius had finally caught his breath. He pushed Harry into Sirius's arms. 'I need to go fetch James and Lily; get them away from there while the others from the Order are fighting.'

Sirius stood up immediately. 'I'm coming with you.'

Remus shook his head. 'I need you here, Sirius. It's not James or Lily that they're after; it's Harry.' He scrubbed his face, looking weary and irritated. 'I warned Dumbledore this would happen; it was only a matter of time but he wanted to wait and play it out. Fuck!'

_Harry?_ His hold on the child in his arms tightened on instinct. 'I don't understand. Why are they looking for Harry?'

'I don't have time to explain,' Remus said hurriedly, 'but Sirius, I need you to trust me. This is a safe house; I transform here so no one but Dumbledore and I can come in, do you understand?' He held Sirius's by the shoulders, fingers tight from urgency. 'Do  _ not _ leave here. Do  _ not _ let anyone in, especially Peter Pettigrew. Even if he is fucking dying at the doorstep, do  _ not _ let him in.'

'Peter? What has he-'

'He's a Death Eater; his girlfriend too,' Remus spat with disgust. 'He's been feeding information about the Potters for months.' 

Sirius mirrored his contempt, promising himself that once this was over, he would make the little rat pay. 

'I have to go now,' Remus's hands slid from Sirius's shoulders to his elbows and he leaned down to press a kiss on Harry's forehead. 'Be safe, please,' he whispered softly. He did not let Sirius go as he looked up, 'Be safe.'

They held each other's gaze, hearts beating fast and Sirius's wasn't sure who leaned in first, but they were kissing. Not frantically like they had the last few months, but slowly, each press of lips soft and meaningful. One of Sirius's hands came up to stroke Remus's cheek, fingers running over the rough stubble as they slowly parted. 

It was the right time, he realised. Finally, it felt like the right time. There was no longer anything holding him back. 'I love you,' Sirius whispered, pressing their lips together one last time. 'I love you.'

Remus didn't come back after that. It was Dumbledore who brought James and Lily to the safe house and Dumbledore who stayed to explain the night's events. 

Lily was beside herself with grief, having lost both her parents that night. James could barely stand or speak properly because he'd been tortured with an Unforgivable. Sirius was their only support as they were told about the prophecy and how the child in Sirius's arms could possibly decide the fate of the entire wizarding world. 

That night, Sirius didn't sleep, his wand held tightly in his hand and his eyes alert as he wondered if he'd just said goodbye to the love of his life for a second time. 

* * *

_ 'He's not here,' Sirius told James, his leg shaking restlessly as he scanned the Great Hall. He had already made rounds around the area twice, pushing past fresh faced First Years and growling at everyone who stood in his way. 'He wasn't in the train and he isn't here. Prongs, something is definitely wrong.' _

_ 'Do you think it had something to do with the transformation?' James asked worriedly. He had been brushing off Sirius's concerns throughout their train journey to Hogwarts but could not ignore it any longer. 'Maybe he'll join school later once he's healed?' _

_ Sirius shook his head. 'Full moon was ages ago.' Unless something had happened that could not be healed, but he didn't want to entertain that train of thought.  _

_ 'Well if it was anything serious, Dumbledore would let us know, wouldn't he?' James reasoned. 'Maybe he just missed the train.' _

_ Dumbledore. Of course he would know where Remus was. He knew everything, didn't he?  _

_ Sirius stood up from his seat abruptly, face tight with determination as he marched forward to the teachers' table. Everyone was staring at him, as he was clearly interrupting the start of the Sorting Ceremony but Sirius couldn't care less. He banged both hands on to the table in front of the old Professor as he growled, 'Where's Remus?' _

_ 'Mr. Black! What is the meaning of this?' Professor Mcgonagall asked angrily and she was about to give him an earful when Dumbledore put his hand up to reassure her.  _

_ 'I'm afraid Remus won't be returning to Hogwarts, Mr. Black.' _

_ Sirius looked at the old man disbelievingly. 'Did you expel him?' He accused, face growing red from anger. 'He hasn't done anything wrong, you know! He has every right to be here, just like everybody else. Just because-' _

_ 'I would choose my words carefully, if I were you, Sirius,' Dumbledore interrupted sternly, his blue eyes bright with warning. 'It got you into grave trouble once already, wouldn't you agree?' _

_ Sirius felt rightfully chastised but not any less angry. He wanted to ask for details but knew better than to do so in the middle of a crowded Great Hall. The fact that Remus would not be coming back still seemed surreal to him. Remus loved school, loved learning and their classes and the teachers. He loved spending hours in the library and bedtimes cuddled with Sirius and a good book. He loved raiding the kitchens when he was always hungry from the upcoming full moon and the taste of butterbeer on Hogsmeade weekends. Why would Remus leave school? _

_ 'Mourning the loss of your pet monster?' A malicious voice whispered into his ear as he passed the Slytherin table. Sirius didn't have to look up to know who it was; he knew that slimy voice anywhere. 'Good riddance, I'd say.' _

_ It took only one look at Severus Snape's nasty smirk and Sirius was launching himself at the boy, fists clenched to attack. He was only held back by two pairs of arms tightening around him on each side and holding him back. Somehow, James and Peter had figured out he was going to blow and come running to restrain him.  _

_ 'Sirius, use your fucking head for once. Do you want to get expelled?' _

_ Sirius pushed James away roughly, stomping out of the Great Hall angrily and not looking back despite calls from his friends to come back. He would make Severus Snape's life a living hell, he promised himself as he stomped up the stairs, purposefully banging on suits of armour and anything else within his reach of destruction. He would make sure the slimy git would be reduced to tears by the end of the school year, begging for Sirius to stop. He would make it hard for the Slytherin to even breathe.  _

_ Just as he was feeling right now.  _

_ 'It was just a prank, you stupid twat!' He screamed into their empty dormitory, collapsing into what used to be Remus's bed. 'You didn't have to leave school for it!' He buried his face into Remus's pillow, disappointed when it smelled like fresh soap, all traces of his friend vanished. You could have just punched me and then laughed it off! You didn't have to leave me!'  _

_ He thought of the last few weeks of Fifth Year and how weary Remus had looked with each passing day. He thought of all the nights he had heard the other boy tossing and turning in bed, restless and sleepless. He thought of all the meals Remus had skipped and how quiet he had become in class. He had ignored it all, so confident that Remus would eventually see that it was all meant to be a joke.  _

_ 'Fuck you, Remus,' he whispered, his voice breaking. 'Fuck you. I don't need you.' _

* * *

Remus leaned heavily against the wall beside Sirius's front door, his breaths laboured. He probably should have cleaned up before coming here; the trail of mud, leaves and blood staining the hallway carpet would carry over inside. But James and Lily were in hiding and the state of him would likely scare away any hotel he chose to board in. Remus had nowhere else to go. No that wasn't true. Right now and perhaps forever, there was nowhere else Remus would rather go.

As the lock clicked open, Remus forcefully straightened himself, feeling dizzy and nauseous. That feeling only worsened as the person behind the door revealed himself to not be Sirius but David. 

'Oh,' Remus felt as though he would cry. He didn't know why he had thought things would be different; that Sirius's confession had meant something. 'I'm so fucking stupid.' 

His world went dark and the last thing he heard before his head connected to the ground was Sirius screaming his name. 

When he came to, he was lying in a large bed, underneath a heap of blankets and on top of pillows that smelled distinctly of Sirius. He could hear voices from outside the room, getting louder and louder as whatever they were arguing about intensified. If Remus lifted his head high enough, he could just make out the shadows of two men standing just outside the door of the bedroom. 

'Sirius, this is not your responsibility! Just take him to a centre and they'll take care of him however they take care of… beings like him.'

Right, Remus had forgotten that David was here, in Sirius's flat. 

'I asked you not to speak of him that way. I appreciate you healing him, but if you're not going to help any further, please leave.'

'I  _ am  _ helping you! I am helping you see how stupid you're being! This is a Class Five dangerous beast, do you understand what that means?' David's voice was full of contempt as he yelled at Sirius. 'You have a fucking werewolf in your house and I don't care how incapacitated he is, he can still rip out your throat if he wanted to.'

That was not true. Remus currently did not even have the strength to rip a piece of paper if he wanted to. 

'Do  _ not _ speak about him that way.'

Remus looked under the blankets and to his dismay, found that he was wearing very little. The boxers and undershirt he was wearing were rather small and did very little to cover the myriad of tattoos on his skin. His glamour had been removed and his wand was missing from his person. 

'Sirius, please see reason. He is-'

'My  _ friend. _ ' Sirius's tone allowed no argument. 'And he's also,' a pause, ' _ the one.' _

Remus felt his heart stop. 

'You cannot be serious,' David's laughter was met with silence from Sirius. 'You  _ cheated _ on me for months with this… this…'

'Don't say it,' Sirius warned. 

'Animal! Is this some kind of new perverted fetish of yours? Regular wizards are too boring for you now so you have to resort to-'

The sound of fist hitting flesh resounded in the silence of the room. 

'Get out of my house!' Sirius screamed. 'GET OUT!'

Seven years had passed and the way Sirius went into a strop when he was angry hadn't changed an iota. There was banging of doors and odd objects, random furious ramblings under his breath, and the violent stomping of feet everywhere he went. 

'You should go after him,' Remus said softly when Sirius made his angry way into the bedroom. 'I'll leave if it makes him uncomfortable.'

'Shut up,' Sirius growled, slamming the closet doors angrily as he pulled out clothes and flung them at Remus. 'We broke up fucking ages ago; he was just here to collect his things. So just stop assuming away like you always do and shut up.'

Remus hid a smile as he pulled on the t-shirt and jeans thrown at him, grateful to be clothed again. 'Why are you angry?'

Sirius turned to look at him, grey eyes ablaze. Suddenly, he was pouncing on Remus, pulling him into a kiss that was filled with longing and desperation, and spoke volumes of how Sirius was currently feeling. When they parted, he was still holding on to the front of Remus's shirt within clenched fists. 'I thought you would never come back. I thought I'd lost you.'

'I'm sorry,' Remus apologised, tucking Sirius's hair behind his ears. 'Dumbledore-'

'Fuck Dumbledore! What happened to you?' Sirius was talking about the obvious strangulation marks that were on his neck and the terrible state of him when he'd arrived. 'Who did this to you?'

'Death Eaters,' Remus replied darkly. 'They found out I was tracking them to get to Peter. Little rat got away I'm afraid. I came as soon as I could, I promise.' He breathed deeply, feeling the familiar pull of longing everytime he was faced with losing Sirius. 'I wanted to see you before you went into hiding. Dumbledore told me you are now James's secret keeper.'

Sirius nodded. 'I've been waiting,' he admitted, 'to take you with me.' He was quick to speak, not allowing Remus any hesitation, 'I've already spoken to Dumbledore about it and he agreed. I'm the obvious choice; Voldemort is going to know to look for me and he doesn't need Peter for that.' He said Peter's name like it was a curse. 'You being with me is an added layer of protection and if I'm being honest,' he bit his lip, unsure, 'If I'm being honest, I don't want to die without you by my side.'

'Are you asking me to die with you?' Remus's tone was sarcastic but his heart was pumping fast as he deciphered the meaning of Sirius's sincere words. 

'I'm asking you to be with me forever,' Sirius replied, not playing into the humour. 'I-I  _ owe  _ you, Moony.' When he noticed Remus stiffen over the familiar words, he held both of his hands tightly. 'I owe you an apology for being an arrogant arsehole and letting my ego get in the way. I can't do away the things I did nor can I explain why I did them, but it was never to hurt you and certainly never to lose you.' He rested their foreheads together. 'I owe you my life; you have always protected me even when I failed you.' A kiss on the very tip of Remus's nose. 'I owe you all the time I wasted not looking for you, not trying to get you back, not trying to fucking apologise, not telling you how much I loved you.'

Remus swallowed, the words he wanted to say on his tongue. But if he opened his mouth now, the tears would fall and the tightness in his throat would only get worse. He hadn't realised how much he had wanted this until this very moment, faced with Sirius's confession. For years, he had tried to forget his past, as he wandered from place to place with no home and little regard for his own life. For years, he had tried to be no one. 

But the truth was, he had always been  _ someone _ . He had always been Remus Lupin. And he had always been madly in love with Sirius Black. 

* * *

'So how is living together working for the two of you?' James asked, taking a sip of his tea and sighing in contentment. 

They were all sitting in the balcony, bundled up in blankets and warming charms. Mugs of hot tea warmed their frozen fingers as they watched the stars glitter in the cold October sky. Baby Harry, who had been a boisterous little bugger all day had finally tired himself out and was snoozing peacefully upstairs. This was good because poor Lily looked like she was going half mad being cooped up in the house with a small baby and a big baby in the name of James Potter. In fact, the minute Sirius and Remus had entered their home, she'd deposited both James and Harry into their arms respectively and gone off to lay in the bath for an hour. 

'For someone who has spent the last seven years sleeping on sticks and leaves, Remus certainly loves to hog the blankets,' Sirius commented, tugging the blanket that they were currently snuggling under playfully.

The truth was there were still some days when Remus preferred sleeping on the floor or the lumpy sofa. There were days when Remus would not eat for hours because his body had adjusted itself to live on very little. There were even days that both men spent restless and pacing, from being stuck indoors and kept away from the fighting and the action outside. 

But more than the bad, there were good days when they made love slowly, savouring every moment before falling asleep in each other's arms. There were days when they cooked together and laughed when it turned out to be yet another disaster. Days when they sat in front of the fire and spent the day just talking about nothing and everything. With Remus, the good days were plenty and though perhaps being in hiding was not ideal, the living arrangements certainly were. 

'Do you know if they've found Wormtail yet?' James asked quietly. 

Remus shook his head. 'I've told Dumbledore about him being an Animagus but rats are well and plenty in the sewers here.'

'If we're lucky, he'll get eaten by something,' Sirius said venomously. 

'We should have helped him,' Lily defended. She was the only one who felt that Peter was somehow the victim, that he had been forced into the whole affair. 'We should have asked him about Priscilla, if she was controlling him somehow or if he felt uncomfortable. I just-'

'Priscilla was tasked with the Longbottoms,' Remus said knowingly. 'Her focus was never on you and she certainly didn't care about Peter enough to help him with his betrayal.'

Lily said nothing, clearly disagreeing. Sirius was about to say something scathing when suddenly, Remus gasped beside him. 

'The sky!' Remus exclaimed, standing up and rushing towards the railing. His wand was already out, poised and ready to fight. 

Sirius and the Potters joined him, much slower to take their wands out as they stared in awe at the horizon. Instinctively, Sirius stood in front of Remus, his heart beating fast as he watched the pinpoint of green light start to pulse and expand. Just as quickly as it had started, it illuminated the whole sky, almost blinding in its intensity. 

Remus's hand reached for his, holding tightly. 'It's coming from the Longbottom manor.'

Sirius always forgot that Remus had spent months tracking them, memorizing locations and neighbourhoods. 

A loud boom resounded, shaking the ground underneath them. For a second, Sirius could hear nothing but a tinny whistling noise that sent a sharp shooting pain in his head. Dimly, he could see Lily running inside, presumably to Harry. 

And then suddenly, it was over. The night sky had gone silent, cloaked by darkness once again. 

'Looks like Voldemort has made his choice,' Remus said quietly, referring to the prophecy that Dumbledore had told them about. It seemed it was little Neville Longbottom who was the child of the prophecy and not Harry Potter. 

'Do you think they're alright?' James asked, clearly worried. 

Neither of them answered. They all knew what the prophecy said: only one would survive. And who ever it was would determine the fate of the entire wizarding world from henceforth. 

'There's no Dark Mark,' Remus noted, his voice cautiously optimistic as he leaned into Sirius's arms and held him close. His ears were perked just as Sirius's were, and he had probably also noticed that there was no screaming or chaos; only silence. 'And there is peace,' he said softly. 

'There is peace,' both James and Sirius echoed, with hearts full of hope. 

* * *


End file.
